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As a director of marriage seminars and the author of The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman has helped thousands of couples begin to learn and to speak each other's love language. Now, Dr. Chapman has collaborated with Ross Campbell, an M.D. specializing in psychiatric medicine for children and adolescents, to produce The Five Love Languages of Children.
The five love languages, as identified by Dr. Chapman, are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service.
"I think all parents can benefit from the book," says Chapman. "My desire is that it be a practical tool for parents. We're not saying that you should only speak the child's primary love language. The child needs to receive all five, and the child can learn to speak all five. But if you speak the primary language, it's going to come through on a deeper level and it's going to meet that need in a faster way. We need to give our children heavy doses of their primary language and sprinkle in all the other four along the way. And if a parent will do that, a child will feel loved. And that's our goal."
Recently, we spoke with Dr. Chapman from his home in Winston Salem, North Carolina.
ACL: How can parents recognize their own strengths and weaknesses in speaking each of the five languages of love?
GC: It is very helpful if parents will, first of all, discover what their own primary love language is. That's one part -- parents discovering each other's love language and choosing to speak that language. The other part, of course, is parents learning the love language of the children. We all have unconscious parenting patterns that we have developed in life. I think many of those patterns do not take into account the child's love language. If we can discover the child's love language and keep this in mind in our parenting patterns, it should help.
ACL: What is the impact of unconditional love on a child's sense of security or well-being?
GC: Unconditional love is what every child needs. When the child really does feel loved by the parent, the child will typically grow up with a sense of security and a sense of worth. If that child does not feel loved by the parents, then the child will grow up with many internal struggles. The child that does not receive love will often feel insecure, uncertain about himself; this will be evidenced in their schoolwork and their relationships.
ACL: In what ways does a foundation of love affect a child's ability to learn?
GC: A child's need for love is so fundamental to life that, if it is not met, the learning process is at least slowed down. But if the child is secure in the love of parents and the love of teachers, then the normal processes of imagination and excitement for learning can play their normal role in that child's life.
ACL: What do you currently see in our society which aids in the healthy development of children, and what threatens their development?
GC: One of the things that enhances a child's opportunity today is that there are lots of parents who conscientiously want to be good parents. They realize that there are many stresses on marriage and family relationships today, and they are looking for help. And the fact is, when parents are conscientious about the parenting process, then the child is going to benefit. Conversely, I think one of the things that makes it more difficult today is that the child is getting messages from many quarters, and they are not always the same messages that the parents are giving.
ACL: In The Five Love Languages of Children, you note that irrational or uncontrolled anger expressed by a parent can prevent a child from perceiving love. How can parents learn to deal with their feelings of anger so they are not expressed inappropriately to children?
GC: That's one of the bigger problems in parenting -- how to handle anger constructively. Consequently, we let our anger control our behavior. The rest of parenting is thwarted whenever that is the case. When we learn how to talk out our anger and seek understanding regarding the thing that stimulated our anger, we're not only going to be better parents, but we are also teaching our children how to handle their own anger.
ACL: If parents feel that they have not provided the foundation of love that you talk about -- particularly with an older child -- and they now want to make positive changes in their parenting, what suggestions would you make to them?
GC: The first thing I want to say is that it's never too late to start loving. I don't care if they're adult children, and you realize that you haven't loved them through the years; it's never too late to start loving!"
Jeff Stephens is Laura and Nathan's dad, and is striving to be multilingual in his love for them.
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