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Was your mother distant? Fragile? Controlling? Has she refused to allow you to grow up? Then The Mom Factor may help you deal with the negative impact the relationship with your mom, or whoever took her place in your childhood, is still having on your life.
When a child matures and goes out on his or her own, the mother's job is essentially finished. But if she didn't do it right or refuses to stop mothering, the adult offspring may have problems functioning in the real world.
"Mom-bashing" is not the intention of The Mom Factor. Rather, Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend emphasize that mothers are a gift from God -- to nurture, protect, and help us grow into mature adults.
But sometimes the process goes awry. Perhaps illness, incorrect nurturing from her own mother, or some other human frailty interfered with mom's ability to nurture. The problems she had in parenting are more about her than about you.
The authors identify six potentially harmful mothering styles. The Phantom Mom is emotionally distant, although she may be physically present in her child's life. The China Doll Mom is warm and nurturing, but fragile. Adult responsibilities, including meeting her child's needs, overwhelm her.
The Controlling Mom knows what is best for her child, and doesn't allow the child to separate from her when he or she reaches adulthood. The Trophy Mom has an enormous need for admiration, and places great pressure on the child not only to achieve, but to be perfect.
The Still-the-Boss Mom teaches the child to obey authority, especially hers, without question and she expects the child to adopt her own values. The American Express Mom (you can't leave home without her!) doesn't realize that her primary job is to help the child grow up and leave home, both physically and emotionally.
After describing each type of mom, the authors list the potential results in the child's life after he or she leaves home, which may include addictions, relationship problems, and distorted thinking. Then Cloud and Townsend advise what adult children can do to overcome these problems. Interwoven throughout are tips on what "good-enough" (not perfect) moms do to raise emotionally healthy children. "Good-enough" moms are not Super-moms. They make mistakes, but admit them and go on. Their children grow up to feel equal with mom and other adults.
Men who have not resolved their mother issues find it difficult to relate to women. When these issues are resolved, men see women as equals, no longer projecting their unfinished mom business on wives, female associates, and female bosses.
The authors give guidelines for reconnecting with each of the mother types, but reconnecting with mom is not the main focus. Adults need to get their nurturing from other sources, such as a support group, a therapist, a healthy church, and friends who understand recovery issues. This is not a book about blaming mom. Rather it advises you to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions and well-being.
Conspicuously missing from this book is dad. Although dad is mentioned briefly, his almost complete absence from the book gives the impression of a bigger-than-life mother who is the only person influencing the child's life.
Other than that, The Mom Factor will help you gain new insights on how your mother affects your adult life, how your spouse or friends were influenced by the nurturing or lack of nurturing they received, and how you can be a better parent to your own children.
Karen K. Hiner is a frequent review of Christian books in Spokane, WA.
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